Close to the Shepherd's Heart

Untangled

2011-10-21T14:29:00.001-07:00

Fear.

Failure.

Doubt.

Inadequacies.

Broken Relationships.

Past Hurts.

SO MANY MISTAKES!

Each is tied tightly around me.

Each is something I continue to hold on to,

So tightly it is hindering me from moving forward.

Like a rope tied tightly around me,

That gets tighter the more I move.

Lord, untangle me from my past that holds me captive.

Cause these ropes to become slack,

So that all the burdens I hold will slip away.

Enable me to move forward,

Freely.

Untangled!

Pile your troubles on God's shoulders—
he'll carry your load, he'll help you out.
He'll never let good people
topple into ruin.

Psalm 55:22

Life on Pause

2011-06-18T12:24:00.000-07:00

Recently I have come to the conclusion that I have been living my life on "Pause"

- a temporary state of being. I have been waiting for my life to return to normal (whatever "normal" means!).

I have not been engaging in the life that is happening around me,

but watching it more as a spectator.

While living life this way,

I have slowly been advancing the frame not living into all life has to offer.

These past few months have been a time filled with weighing the pros and cons

of investing myself in something...school, church, friends, work, anything really!

And often the answer is ___________

(pause, stillness, no action.)

So having be...how do I move from pause to play?

What needs to change so I can re-engage with life?

How can I stop this temporary feeling of existence?

How can I move into a life filled with so much more...

more than I could ever hope or imagine?

I think it is time to hit play and see what happens!

Breaking Through

2011-02-21T19:12:00.000-08:00

Small seed planted in hope

laying dormant deep in the earth

establishing roots...

growing deeper

Green sprout moving upward

little by little pushing forward

painfully stretching...

forcing growth...

onward in the journey

Finally cracking the crust of winter

reaching toward the sun

gentle flower blossoms

New Life has begun.

Winter's Death

2011-02-19T12:03:00.000-08:00

As I look at the past two years of my life I see a desolate landscape, barren trees that seem to bear no fruit, ground covered in a thick layer of frost allowing nothing to grow. It is a lonely picture...a cold and lonely place to dwell. There is no shelter to protect me from this bitter cold for this is winter's death.

Like all seasons, life too has a rhythm of death and new life. And sometimes those seasons are long and difficult to endure.

Occasionally there is a glimmer of hope, a change in the air. The sun breaks through the bleak gray sky and for a moment I can feel its warmth and the ground begins to thaw...it seems there is a new season coming, but in a moment the clouds return as does the bitter chill of winter.

Days turn into weeks and weeks become months...

when will this season end!

It is there that I look across this landscape of despair and see a reminder that this is only a season and it too shall pass. For off in the distance...breaking through the crust of winter's death is a glimpse of life anew! What was dormant through winter...resting, waiting, establishing roots, growing stronger, gaining strength, pushing through...

a reminder that life continues even when it seems that all hope is lost and we are on the verge of surrender...

Winter's death is necessary to bring about Spring's new life.

Measuring Up...

2010-01-11T14:44:00.000-08:00

I have often thought I don't quite measure up...

...to other people's expectations!

...to my own standards!

...to my full potential!

It seems as though no matter how hard I try

I am always falling short of the mark.

Today I was asked,

"Whose measuring stick do you use?"

God judges persons differently than humans do.

Men and women look at the face; God looks into the heart.

1 Sam 16:7

Reflections...

2009-11-18T13:52:00.000-08:00

9 years ago today was the beginning of a new adventure in my life. It was a day of great celebration as I embarked on the road of ordained ministry and received the title Reverend!

But, the road getting to that point was not an easy one and it is a journey that I often look back upon with gratitude because it truly helped me to be confident in the call God has placed on my life.

When I started Seminary, I was a shy and timid 23 year old, full of more questions then answers about the future and really unsure about what God was calling me to be...was I really being called to be a Minister? I had a fear of public speaking and didn't consider myself smart enough and there I was in Grad School! But, my higher education journey was a fabulous one, I finally felt that I belonged and I was smart! You see, school was never easy for me. All through Jr. High, High School and even in College I struggled sometimes just to get a "C" but at last, this time, I was in a place where I loved learning and I was even excelling academically (much to my surprise!)

After a semester of Seminary under my belt I embarked on my journey to Ordination. As I began this journey I felt confident that God was leading me in this direction. I wasn't sure exactly what the end result would be for I was still filled with lots of questions and lots of doubt but still confident that this was God's path for my life.

So began the heartbreaking journey! The process was really filled with my struggle to walk in the confidence of God's call upon my life to ministry and then to demonstrate that sense of call to others. Needless to say it was a difficult 3 years as I continued to fight with the "powers that be" every step of the way. It often felt as though I was taking one baby step forward and two giant steps back, continually running it the brick wall that was shifting and changing to block my every move.

Finally, as an almost 29 year old confident Seminary graduate, on November 18, 2000, I finally reached the other side of the wall and was able to look back upon that journey as one of growth, confidence and clarity of my call. Of course I was still filled with lots of questions and few more answers but I knew without a doubt on that day God had called and God had Ordained me...with my family and friends present to confirm it!

So now ... 9 years later, I have served 4 very different congregations in 2 different states. I am almost 38 years old and I think I still have more questions then answers! My life is once again in transition as I seek to be faithful to God's call.

As I enter into this next year of ordained ministry I am looking forward to a new adventure as God continues to direct my path. I am unsure at this moment where that road leads but confident in my call...

Be shepherds of God's flock that is under your care,

serving as overseers—not because you must,

but because you are willing, as God wants you to be;

1 Peter 5:2

In the Hallway...

2009-11-10T16:35:00.001-08:00

With the door closed tightly behind me (all my fingers are attached) I stand in the hallway and contemplate what's next?

I am waiting patiently...sort of...for the next door to crack open. Maybe just enough so I can peak inside and get a glimpse at the adventure that awaits on the other side.

You see...I am unsure of what lies ahead. I know a shift is focus is in process and the outcome is still a bit cloudy...

I have been working in Children's Ministry in one form or another for more than half my life. I think there is definitely more to who I am and the call God has placed on my life then that...but, just what that looks like is still to be determined!

So the questions are:

What is my Passion?
What are my Strengths?
What brings me Joy?
What is my next adventure?
When will it begin?

So here I stand in the hallway, staring at all the doors and wondering which one leads to my next adventure!

Moving Day

2009-10-28T09:45:00.000-07:00

Over the past few weeks I have been sorting, purging and packing up my life into nice, neat cardboard boxes. And there have been a few thoughts that have been rolling around in my head...

1.) it has been somewhat therapeutic! I have had time to go through things, take a walk or two down memory lane and weed out some of the things that are no longer needed.

2.) it has been somewhat adventurous! Both in discovering possessions long thought lost as I empty cupboards and repack old crushed boxes into new ones. While at the same time wondering when and where I will once again see my precious things as I settle into my next chapter of life.

3.) it has also been somewhat depressing! Packing up your "life" and watching it get loaded onto a big orange truck. All your precious belongings carefully wrapped in paper and protected by a cardboard shell.

But, I think really the most depressing thing is not having anywhere to move to...again! Every time I have made a big move in the last 10 years (and it has been many moves) I have not had a place to move to, my things have just gone to storage and I have stayed with my parents until I did have someplace to go. (Don't get me wrong I am grateful for the place to land, recover, and launch...my mom and dad are the best!) But, once just ONCE I would like to say to the movers when they come to collect my "life" that I am moving someplace...

But, here I sit on moving day once again...and as I write this all of my possessions are tightly boxed up and the movers are loading them into the big orange truck! Moving has become somewhat of a habit for me...not one by choice but by circumstance...and I still don't like it!

Wildflowers

2009-10-11T18:57:00.000-07:00

If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers

—most of which are never even seen—

don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you?

What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax,

to not be so preoccupied with getting,

so you can respond to God's giving.

People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things,

but you know both God and how he works.

Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions.

Don't worry about missing out.

You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

(Matthew 6:30-33 MSG)

Just something to think about...why is it that we worry so much? Have such anxiety over the little things in life? Maybe we should take Jesus' words to heart...ponder the wildflowers that bloom for no human audience at all.

Unfinished Projects

2009-10-09T10:14:00.001-07:00

There is a room in my house that I have named the Room of Unfinished Projects. It is really my sewing/craft room, probably my favorite room in my house. I have spent the last three days working to finish some of these unfinished projects...I really had no idea how many there were. I kept uncovering more and more as the days went on.

As I sat working on my unfinished projects I felt right at home among them...because I too am an unfinished project! I am not a completed masterpiece framed and hanging on the wall. I am not a marble sculpture on display. I am not an intricate tapestry bound and viewed by the public. I am much like the unfinished projects in my sewing room...works in progress. Sometimes they don't look like much to anyone else but their creator...but the creator knows what it will become! And the artist sees the completed work of art already on the blank canvas!

We're the clay and you're our potter: All of us are what you made us.

(Isaiah 64:8)

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. (Psalm 139:11)

So, I am a work in progress but I have confidence in the Artist that the end result will be so much more then I could have ever imagined. For now I will continue to spend time in my Room of Unfinished Projects and remember that I too am unfinished!

P.S. I am happy to say there are now a some finished projects in the room!

(Here are just a few...)

I started this quilt as an illustration for a Women's retreat I spoke at 2 years ago...needless to say I went in another direction!

This Valentine's quilt I started just this past February...I came close to finishing it on time but really I think lost interest.

I have been moving this one around for 6 years...yes 6! I made (and finished) one just like this for my mom and just never got around to finishing mine...kinda sad because it only took an hour to finish!

This is the smaller of two scrappy flags that like the Christmas quilt have been moving from place to place unfinished for over 6 years...

Waiting for Hope

2009-09-17T20:42:00.000-07:00

So...in the mysterious way that God works in our lives this passage from Lamentations has seemed to speak to my heart a number of times just today...

I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed.I remember it all—oh, how well I remember— the feeling of hitting the bottom. But there's one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:

God's loyal love couldn't have run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up. They're created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over). He's all I've got left.

God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It's a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. It's a good thing when you're young to stick it out through the hard times.

When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions: Wait for hope to appear. Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face. The "worst" is never the worst.

Why? Because the Master won't ever walk out and fail to return. If he works severely, he also works tenderly. His stockpiles of loyal love are immense. He takes no pleasure in making life hard, in throwing roadblocks in the way.

Lamentations 3:19-33

Holding tight!

2009-09-11T17:03:00.000-07:00

Questions fill my mind! Questions, questions and more questions! AND THERE ARE NO ANSWERS!

Today is the first day of a new adventure in my life's journey. I have taken a step down a new path filled with many unknowns. But, you see I am a person who likes to have a plan... I like to know what to expect... I need to have a map or know about the landmarks.

Yet, here I am with no idea of what tomorrow will bring...what's next...or which path to take...I have no idea which way to look or even where to start.

What I do know, is I need to hold on tight, for I am not walking on this new path alone! For me the road is scary and unfamiliar, full of many twists and turns. With my tiny hand grasping tightly to my heavenly Father's hand I have nothing to fear. God has laid out the road. God knows all the intimate details of the journey and is my faithful companion for this dark and scary path.

So for know I will take one step at a time,

ask lots of questions and listen a lot,

and most importantly hold on tight!

Doors...

2009-09-09T21:03:00.000-07:00

It has been said that everytime God closes one door...

somewhere another one opens.

But what happens if you are holding onto the door frame as the door closes?

Sometimes...

2009-05-18T11:54:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish to possess a calm spirit...

like the ocean waves that gently lap on the sandy shore.

Sometimes I wish my moments of peace were a little more predictable...

like the tide that rises and falls daily without fail.

Sometimes I wish I was less reactionary...

like the shoreline that excepts what ever the sea brings its way.

Sometimes I wish to be like the ocean...

though the winds may come and the sea gets rough,
deep down the waters are calm.

Lord,
Help me to less reactionary. Grant me a stillness that runs deep within my soul. When the things around me seem to close in and chaos begins to reign...may that peace...your peace... gently flow through me. Like the ebb and flow of the ocean waves against the sandy shore, may I find that sense of peace and predictability.
May I be connected to you, my source of peace, like the place where the vastness of the ocean collides with solid ground.

Amen.

Endless Waiting

2009-04-11T19:59:00.000-07:00

THE ENDLESS WAITING...

TIME STANDING STILL...

EVERYTHING IS A BLUR...

The day after Jesus' death was I'm sure one of the longest days for his disciples. I think about the women who so wanted to prepare his body properly for burial but were not able to because of the Sabbath.

I can't imagine what that day was like...so filled with sorrow... grief... anger... disbelief!

Was it all a dream? What will we do know? When will this nightmare be over...

In the Garden

2009-04-09T11:10:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite places in Israel was sitting in the Garden of Gethsemane. It was a place where Jesus and his disciples often went to pray. There was something about the place, so peaceful, so serene. As I sat there looking at the Olive Trees and reading over and over Jesus' last visit there. (Matthew 26:36-46) The pain and anguish he must have felt really hit me...

there in the garden...

among the trees...

Olive trees that don't grow straight, their trunks are not smooth as other trees. These trees grow in twists and turns. These trees look so harsh, all twisted and gnarled...

Reading the passage again as I looked upon the olive trees...what anguish. Over and over again Jesus' plea is for the Father to take this burden from him. If at all possible may this not be the road he is to travel.

After his heartfelt plea, Jesus resigns to the fact that this was God's will ...

It was there that I realized how deep God's love truly is...

He was looked down on and passed over,
a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand.
One look at him and people turned away.
We looked down on him, thought he was scum.
But the fact is, it was our pains he carried—
our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us.
We thought he brought it on himself,
that God was punishing him for his own failures.
But it was our sins that did that to him,
that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins!
He took the punishment, and that made us whole.
Through his bruises we get healed.
Isaiah 53 - The Message

The Shadow of the Cross

2009-04-06T16:30:00.000-07:00

Imagine for a moment you are at the theater. The play is one that is familiar full of passion and intrigue, a story of love and betrayal. The lights have been dimmed, the actors are standing on their marks, the orchestra begins to play as the curtain is raised...

The main character is seated on a colt and begins his descent along a long and winding road. In the background stands a dark figure, undefined yet familiar. There are several people gathered around this man, something about him is different.

As he draws closer, people begin to gather...they are waving palm branches and throwing their coats on the ground before him. The dark shadow grows larger, its shape becoming clearer. The people begin to cheer and shout, the orchestra swells, you can feel the excitement in the air!

"Hosanna to the Son of David!"
"Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!"
"Hosanna in the highest!"

The shadow of the Cross is now prominent in the background, casting its cloud of darkness upon the man.

All throughout Jesus life and ministry the cross, the shadow of the cross, looms in the distance. It was for a very specific purpose that Jesus came into the world, to become the final sacrifice, to pay for our sins. Often times at Christmas we see symbols of a cross or a nail along with the baby in the manger, a foreshadowing of what is to come. But, always in the forethought of our celebration is the shadow of the cross. It was for this purpose that Jesus came!

Sisterhood

2009-03-29T17:22:00.000-07:00

Last week my big sister celebrated a milestone birthday...40

...and it is very hard to believe. Well, it is hard to believe because that means I am only two years behind. Yikes!

But, that is not what I wanted to write about...I want to write about my beautiful sister! You see as the younger sister I have always lived somewhat in her shadow. I have always wanted to be so much like her, always trying with not much success!

You see, no matter how hard I have tried I have always fallen, well, short. My sister is tall and growing up she had the most beautiful almost always perfect blond hair...me well I am short comparatively speaking and my crazy brown hair has always had a mind of its own.

But even further back I tried to be like her. All through school my teachers were excited when they found out I was Chris' little sister...that was until they found out I was nothing like her. She was smart and a wonderful student, I was more creative and a trouble maker of sorts.

I always wanted to be everywhere she was and do everything that she did. And like the typical big sister she wanted to be anywhere I wasn't and do anything without me! It took a while to stop living in her shadow, to realize that I was my own unique person, created and gifted just the way I am supposed to be! It really wasn't until we were both in High School when we had become friends that this realization took place.

And know my sister is my best friend... I can't imagine life without her! We have shared many hours filled with both laughter and tears. We have had our share of fights as well as times that we stuck together like glue. She is currently miles away...across the pond...and I miss her dearly. But, no matter how far away she is she is always close in my heart. I look forward to the moments we are able to share on the phone...and cherish the times we get to spend together in person!

I think I still live in her shadow...but that is one of my favorite places to be! It is there that I feel my best. It is there that I am close enough to hear people say, You must be Chris' little sister! Gladly I respond with a big smile across my face, You Bet! Isn't she the best!

All my love Sister! Here is to growing old!

Excuse me...do I Smell?

2009-03-03T14:41:00.000-08:00

At church on Sunday I was given a Composition Book and the opportunity to journal as an exercise for Lent. I was a little hesitant because I am not really a journal kinda a girl, but thought it could be the "addition" to my Lenten journey. (I always add something for Lent, because I never really had success in giving up something in the past. And since I have started this practice a number of years ago, I have had much more success and a deeper more meaningful Lent.)

So, I sat Sunday morning with my journal and pen and just began to write...free form, random thoughts flowed onto the page. And I began to write:

Be near. Draw me close.

In that moment of silence an image formed in my mind. I saw God's arms pulling me in to embrace me, I felt those arms holding me tightly, my head resting on his chest. And as I sat there enveloped in the arms of God I took in a deep breath and another phrase flowed onto the page:

May your aroma linger. May I smell of you.

As I sat there, still in the quiet moment I thought about aroma... the smell of chlorine and how when you have been swimming the smell of chlorine stays on your skin, clings to you for awhile and people can smell that you have been swimming. I also thought of my dad on Date Night; how he smelled so good and the scent lingered in the air even after he had left the room. I also thought about how sometimes people have a certain smell and when you are embraced by them their smell lingers on you...

That was what I longed for in that moment:

To smell like God, to know without a doubt I had been embraced in the arms of God, for that scent to linger a while longer!

So now I ask the question...

excuse me do I smell?

Nomad No More

2009-02-05T17:13:00.000-08:00

It was recently pointed out to me that my driver's license had expired...two months earlier I might add. As I discussed this with some friends they asked if I had recieved my renewal notice in the mail. Sheepishly I answered, "Well, the DMV has no idea where I live."

But, let me explain...you see I have lived a nomadic life the past few years. I was homeless, sort of, once I left my job in L.A., if it wasn't for the generosity of my parents, I truly would have been homeless. So that was only to be a temporary situation which lasted about a year. Then I moved south to Oceanside to serve as a temporary pastor. I was there for just 11 months. Once that was over it was back to being "homeless" and staying with the parents!

So, all during this time it was really not on my mind to update my information with the Department of Motor Vehicles, after all my living situations were "just temporary." So you can understand where I am coming from in all of this...why bother changing it if I will just have to turn around and change it again later!

But, this last August I found my spot...a great new church to call home. It is filled with fantastic people I work alongside. And I have found a great little place to "hang my hat." I am once again employed and paying rent! I am happy to say that my nomadic days of moving around are behind me. Afterall I have a new drivers liscense with my current address...nomad no more!

There is no place like home! (Click-Click)